The Long-Term Consequences of Being Enslaved to the People-Pleaser.
The People-Pleaser is quite a commonly used phrase to describe the part of us that finds it difficult or even impossible to say ‘no’, so we say ‘yes’, and do things that we don’t want to do. It’s often made light of and trivialised, but the reality is that being identified with the People-Pleaser can severely affect the quality of our lives. (For clarity, in the language of Psychosynthesis, being identified means to be acting from an unconscious, conditioned part of ourselves with no awareness of ‘I’, so mistakenly believing in that moment that this part of us is our whole identity).
What’s so difficult about saying no?
Saying no means putting our own desires before somebody else’s. When asked to do something that we don’t want to do, we may be concerned that saying no may seem selfish, disrespectful or ungrateful; there’s a fear of being judged. There may be a deep-seated belief that putting yourself first is selfish. Often these unconscious belief patterns that have been passed down from generations exist in us and dominate our way of being without us even questioning their validity.
If we pay attention, when asked to do something that we don’t want to do or we are in a situation that we don’t want to be in, there’s normally a sensation in the body. It’s a tension that builds up due to the inner conflict of being pulled in 2 directions, because there’s a part of us that wants to please the other person and say yes or stay with the situation, and then there’s another part of us that wants to please ourselves and say ‘no’ or leave.
Often, the bodily sensation is in the pit of the stomach, which is no surprise as this is where the solar plexus (a part of the sympathetic nervous system) is situated. In Hindu philosophy, Manipura Chakra (the energy centre that governs our ability to be confident, assertive and make decisions from a place of wisdom) sits here. It’s also known as the power chakra. Caught off guard, in the moment, there isn’t time to think of a reasonable, believable excuse that will pass without causing offense, so with no time to pause, the body knows, but the tension is too much to hold, the head overrides the mouth, and it’s out! Yes! I hypothesise that the body is alerting us that we are being called to assert our power.
The trouble is that once we’ve said yes, the part of us that wants to please the other is satisfied so there’s a sense of relief and a release of tension which feels nice and easy, but the part of us that wants to please ourselves is obligated and pissed off! Or even worse, resentful! We may feel disappointed in ourselves that we haven’t honoured our own wishes which brings more discomfort, maybe feelings of self- betrayal, weakness or powerlessness. We don’t want to feel these unpleasant feelings, but there’s no time to deal with them as there are external demands to satisfy, so what do we do with them? We push them down, ignore them, deny them! “After all it’s only myself I’m disappointing”.
So, then what happens?
Repeating this scenario time after time strengthens this habitual pattern of behaviour which can be debilitating, constraining and stifle our growth. What’s worse is other people unconsciously join us in the dance. The people that are closest to us are used to this pattern of behaviour and they come to expect it, hence, if one day we decide to speak our truth, it will come as a shock, not the normal accommodating response they were expecting. They will most likely express their disappointment or disapproval, which will land heavily with us, as we People-Pleasers also take responsibility for other people’s feelings and so the cycle continues.
Remaining stuck as the People-Pleaser can be detrimental in how we live our lives. I will describe a few possible outcomes:
1. Remaining totally unaware and self-sacrificing our whole life, being enslaved and never getting to live the life we deserve.
2. Ignored, denied and left unchecked, feelings of self-betrayal, resentment, bitterness and powerlessness become too much to own, so we project them onto others. We believe that others have done something to us, denying responsibility for our actions, we become the victim or the martyr. If you catch yourself saying things like, “I’ve done so much for them and this is how they thank me”, maybe you’re there.
3.If we are lucky enough, we may be experiencing feeling stuck, restrained, frustrated or confined. We may be judging ourselves, feeling weak for not being able to speak our truth, powerless to our emotions, feeling self-betrayal or hopelessness. At the same time, we may have physical symptoms that are guiding us to make change, but we are brushing them off as just physical. Often our strong minds and forceful wills dominate and override our bodily sensations: our heads dismiss our hearts. I say lucky because if we can view this situation from a Transpersonal perspective, we can get curious about what’s trying to happen, we can view this disturbance as an opportunity for growth, a calling for change.
What is trying to happen? Something needs to change... There are other parts of us that we have been ignoring that need to be expressed.
So how do we break out of this pattern of behaviour and find the courage to please ourselves?
The first step is becoming aware that you are identified. Then from the place of awareness there are several different approaches to move forward from feeling powerless to feeling empowered!
In The Coaching Space
In my coaching work, I use Psychosynthesis principles, concepts and techniques, concerned with integrating the whole self. In Psychosynthesis these significant behaviour patterns are described as ‘psychological identities’ that coexist within a person’s personality (Whitmore, 2004). They first form as a coping strategy and become habitual, unconscious patterns of behaviour, each with their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. The People-Pleaser would have most probably learned from an early age that pleasing others and gaining approval was a good strategy to navigate life.
There are several different ways to work with sub-personalities to free us from their grip. As with all our different parts, there may be some long-standing deep-seated beliefs that need uprooting and some old wounds to heal, to change our perspective and recognise our self-worth. This is important as if we don’t feel worthy, how will we ever put ourselves first.
However, before diving into the deeper issues, which can be overwhelming if this awareness is new, I often use positive psychology theories to open and broaden perspective, see new possibilities, build hope and resilience. Just as beliefs affect thoughts, affect emotions, affect behaviour, this is not a linear process, meaning behaviour can also affect emotions, affect thoughts, affect beliefs. Working on making some small behavioural changes to influence and change mindset may be a more suitable approach at the beginning of the coaching journey. I use mindfulness principles and practices to facilitate resourcefulness, stability, support and self-compassion. After all what’s really behind the People-Pleaser’s behaviour is wanting approval from others, and what’s behind that, is needing to be loved. Once we can love ourselves, we can and stand in our truth and say ‘NO’.
Thank you for reading! If you would like to find out more about me or my work please go to my coaching page. If you would like to have a free 30 minute discovery call to find out if my coaching is for you please click the button below.
One more thing! Just to be clear, I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t consider other people’s feelings and sometimes the kindest thing to do is to choose to put somebody else’s feelings before our own. This can be seen as admirable and often it is. It only becomes a problem when we are dominated by this part; when we don’t make that choice out of free will, but instead we act to avoid feelings such as fear or unhealthy guilt. In the words of Dr Gabor Mate…”I’d choose guilt over resentment any day.”